mommy, wow. i’m a big girl now.

i was inspired to write a blog this morning when my friend and co-worker sara’s latest popped up in my google reader this morning.

i’m leaving in less than nineteen hours to head out to nyc for a business trip.  business trip. that sounds professional and grown up.  but, don’t worry.  we’re still on business for jesus.  and so we’ll be youth-groupin’ it in our 15 passenger van and sleeping on a church floor.  some things just might not ever change.

i’m gearing up for the 16-hour drive.  well, i’m trying to.  note to self : buy dramamine.  for everyone’s sake.

i have a lot to do before we pull out at 5 am.

. work.  there are all kinds of fun things happening in real life.  but i need to make sure they are all under control before i peace out for six days.

. pack.  oops.  probably should have done that.  we’ve all been instructed to pack our “trendy” clothes.  so we can blend in i guess.  maybe i’ve had to go shopping for a few things.  and i’m still not convinced i’m new york ready.

. celebrate the birth of k.chad.  i’m gonna miss her birthday, so we’re going taking her out to celebrate.  sure to be a good time.  happy one, kel!

. charge iPod.  16 hours in a van.  ’nuff said.

. pay rent.  and bills.

well, i’m new york city bound.  should be a good time.  er, i mean.  an educational and very professional time.  for jesus.  on a church floor.  in trendy clothes.  oh gosh.

scared.

sitting at starbucks i’ve been working on and off all day long from this big chair by the corner window.  there’s a lot on my mind and so it’s been the kind of day where i check my facebook about 7286 times and click refresh on my email inbox repeatedly.  just because it doesn’t take any energy and in some weird way i still feel productive.

my heart’s heavy today.  there’s a lot going on in my spirit and in my life.  i feel like everything around me is moving at warp speed and all i want to do is scream until it stops moving.  instead i just sit in the middle of it while, without notice, everything switches directions on me.

i’ve been acutely aware of how scared i am lately.  terrified, really.  of pretty much everything.  my grandma put it bluntly last night on the phone.  i sabotage the potential good things in my life because i am so terrified that the outcome might hurt.  it affects my relationships.  it affects my intimacy with the Lord.  it affects my confidence in my gifts and talents.  which affects my job.  my hobbies. my attitude.  everything.

fear has absolutely invaded every area of my life.  and i’m kind of pissed about it.  and my kind of i mean completely.  because fear is the absence of love.  love casts out fear, right?  that’s what it says in 1 john.

there is no fear in love. but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. the one who fears is not made perfect in love.  we love because he first loved us.

at different points in my life i’ve believed these verses and held onto them unreservedly.  they are what inspired me to permanently mark myself almost a year ago.  but they are hard for me to believe today.

the fear seems too big.  i know that’s irrational.  in my head i know how ridiculous i’m being.  but it’s where my heart is at.  scared of the future.  scared of certain relationships.  scared that the Lord will leave.  scared that people will leave.  scared that i’m still not enough.  scared i’m getting stuck.

so.  i’ve got a choice to make.  continue to feed the fear. or. step out in faith and into the love of God.  into what he has for me.  into new places.  new places of freedom and intimacy and creativity and wholeness.  a new place of solidarity.  and that’s what i’m doing.

i’m taking a deep breath while i sip on my white chocolate mocha.  i’m fighting back the tears and putting on strength in the holy spirit as i step out.  i’m positioning myself to take a risk, big or small as it may seem.  even though i’m scared to death, i’m risking things on the Lord.  i’m risking my heart on Him.  with Him.  and i’m doing it because as much as i’m hurt and confused and wondering today somewhere deep down stuck in some hidden crevice i really do believe that it’ll worth it. i really do believe that He is worth it. and that i’ll be all the better for giving Him more ground in my life and heart.

and i guess i really do believe that it will all be okay.