twenty four[th] year.

well, it’s that time again.  twenty four-years ago i came into the world on easter sunday.  last year i found myself in thailand getting tatted.  and this year.  well, this year i’m sitting at my desk in gainesville, georgia.  i’m sending emails and making powerpoints.  i’m getting birthday hugs and looking forward to dinner out with friends tonight.  i’m blessed.  really, really blessed.

i decided to make a list of twenty four things i want to do in my twenty fourth year.  i was working on it last night and kept getting stuck.  so i did what anyone would do.  i googled.  i googled all the things i should do in my twenties, 101 things to do before you die.  normal google-ing things.  i found a few good ideas.  but for the most part i just realized how much i really have done in my life.  like, i’ve had some incredible and amazing opportunities.  and i was browsing the world wide web last night, clicking from link to link to link i was overwhelmed with how very thankful i really am.

really, i am.

anyways.  i came up with some things i’d still like to do in my twenty-fourth year.

so, without further ado :

. make an adult purchase.  i’ve decided i want a hope chest.
. buy and wear nice pajamas.
. learn to make sushi and order good wine.
. save money.
. read some classics.  [huckleberry finn, catcher and the rye, little women]
. leave the country.  at least once.
. spend a weekend in isolation.  with jesus.
. sing karaoke.
. read poetry. write poetry.  let people read my poetry.
. get my etsy shop up and running. and sell at least ten things on it.
. memorize all of romans chapter eight.
. become an excellent coupon-er.
. learn basic phrases in greek.  you know, for when i go back.
. pick five recipes and learn to cook them from memory.
. play in the rain.
. sew a quilt.
. lead someone to jesus in america.
. send more random, just-because-i-love-you mail to my supporters, friends, and family.
. visit a new state for the weekend.
. take a dance class.
. deliver a prophetic word to a group of people.  a small group of people.
. grow professionally.
. document the things i’m thankful for.  send lots of thank you notes.
. compete in something.
so.  those are my things.  whatdayathink?
[also. i’ve been praying for a very specific birthday present from jesus.]
i’ll let you know if i get it or not.

bacon is different.

so.  i’ve been on overload for the last few weeks.  i mean, filled-to-the-brim-everything-is-so-crazy-all-i-want-to-do-is-sleep o.ver.load.  ever since going to new york life has been pretty much going non-stop.  family stuff.  relationship stuff.  work stuff.  jesus stuff.  it’s just been a lot.  and i’ve been over-capacity, in desperate need of alone time.  quiet time.  time to be still.

so today, i’m home. and it feels oh, so good.  i’m working on some things, doing some laundry and unpacking from said trip to new york.  i’m working on emails and and addressing my latest newsletter.  just wrapping up the week, really.

i traipsed upstairs in my yoga pants to have coffee with allison this afternoon.  she’s always real refreshing for me.  she asks me the questions i don’t always want to answer but that make me think on things and draw out new, deeper parts of me.  she seeks to understand and loves me in the midst of my stuff.  i hope i’m a little bit like her when i grow up.  except for the part where she hates bacon.  i love bacon and would like to eat it forever. thankyouverymuch.

speaking of eating, i need to do that.  i haven’t had anything but coffee yet today.  oops.  but maybe i should have some more coffee?  it’s a good, dreary day for lots of coffee.

because i just love coffee.  we all know this.  but i also love the idea of coffee.  because in some weird, twisted way, it’s a cool, trendy thing to drink coffee.  like it offers some kind of status in some universe that’s not real but is real.  right?

but then i have moments where i don’t want to talk about how much i love coffee because everyone talks about how much they love coffee.  i don’t want to be another coffee-drinking, toms-wearing, jesus-loving gal who is so desperately trying to be different that she actually ends up fitting into some kind of mold.  there’s something in me that needs to be different.  but everyone wants to be different so we end up all being the same kind of different.  you know?

hm.  that all kind of came from nowhere.  maybe it’s also a good day for contemplation.

on that note, i guess i’ll go have some coffee.  and maybe some bacon.

so, i have questions.

i have a good friend who usually writes a ‘stream of consciousness’ blog on fridays.  i love it when she does this.  i tried it for awhile on my other blog but haven’t maintained it very well.  i mean, i should have.  since i’ve got all kinds of time for it and stuff.  but, alas.  something always pops up.

until now.

so.  we were in the big apple last week on bid-ness.  it took us nearly twenty hours to get there. but,  it was a good time.  except for the part where our gigantic van wouldn’t fit in a parking garage.  and also the time we got so lost we ended up at the newark airport.  twice.  buuuuuut. we met with a bunch of really great organizations and people.  charity water and ijm were probably my favorites.  we learned so many great things about marketing and creativity and missions.  i am definitely still trying to digest it all.  definitely.

we just got home wednesday night and i was back in the office on thursday morning.  apparently emails don’t stop coming in even though i’m out of town.  who knew?  thursday night we kicked off leader training for all of our brave souls taking high-schoolers out this summer.  god bless ’em.  so…i’ll be popping in and out of that all weekend.  should be a good time.

on a different note, people keep asking me how my heart is.  like, random people.  i know they mean well and it’s probably the lord trying to tell me something or get my attention.  but, i think that’s a weird question.  probably i think it’s a weird question because my heart is currently on overwhelmed capacity mode.  so it doesn’t know how it is.  i mostly respond “it’s fine.” and then they just stare at me because they know i’m lying.  but that’s the best answer i can currently muster up.  i don’t really have answers.  to anything.

mostly i have questions. a lot of questions. that just grow and and grow.

questions that i’ll probably never have answers to.  but then i wonder about that.  and then i wonder why i can’t have answers.  and then i wonder about the lord.  and this is where it gets dangerous.  because i start to ask questions about the lord. about his character.  questions about his goodness and his faithfulness and his timing and his plan.  but, i think it’s okay to ask questions.  because it means i’m in the process [which i love] of working some things out. but he doesn’t give me answers.  no one gives me answers.  they just keep asking questions.  which makes me ask more questions.

and then it makes me want to scream. but just sometimes.

do you ever have those moments where you just want to scream?  not even in a bad way.  just in a way that you need to get some kind of release and that seems like the best option at the time?  no? okay, so it’s just me.  cool.

maybe i’ll go do that now.

bet you’re real glad you stuck around for that blog, eh?